Blog One

Blog One

      When people are faced in many situations in life we all tend to have different views or ways of behaving.  That’s what makes us unique. My behavior is very different from many people’s behavior when it comes to public self and private self. There are times in which the way I behave in public interferes with the way I behave on my own. Either way it helps me cope with many things. Due to fear of judgment it always had a strong impact and controlled how I am in public and self.

       When in private I feel much more at comfort with my self. I know no one is looking to judge or looking to speak what flaw I put out in display. I grew up very self-conscious so it makes it harder for me to adjust to anything but my private self. When alone I feel like I don’t have to please anyone. I have the liberty and right to let my mind wander freely without any distractions from the outside world. At times I feel like being in my private zone harms me much more than being out in public. I have no limitations to what I do or what I say so that could lead me to trouble. When having bad thoughts I can help myself by having the privilege to watching anything that’ll entertain me and keep my mind off of things that’ll scare me. Since I am pleased by boundless choices it is obvious I fancy being in my private self than my public self.

       When I am in the train or I’m walking in the streets I tend to have a lot of anxiety. My mind suddenly knows that I am on constant alert for public criticism. I grapple into the eyes of other people just to notice if I’m being looked at. If you distinguish the time I am alone to when I’m in public you can tell there is a difference in my posture and how I portray myself. Sometimes its unintentional and other times I am aware and in control of how I behave myself. I seem uncomfortable and always-in haste pace even when I’m not going anywhere important. When I am in the train I avoid eye contact by reading a book or pretending I am slightly sleeping. I dislike listening to conversations because I feel like I am intruding so I put my iPod on full volume. I am mindful that I will be noticed so by doing these things such as reading or listening to music; it makes me feel comfortable. Even if I know someone is looking at me, I have these things to rely on to not make me so nervous and visible.

         As I got older I began to notice my mom’s constant complaint about me being too serious when she was presenting me to her friends. It would always bother me when she wanted me to be friendly, meanwhile I was worrying about how her friends will look at me. As I previously mentioned about being boundless to choices, I tend to forget how to keep that away from my public self. I dislike restriction so this way it creates a clash between my private self and public. I feel like I have to restrict my self from so many things, it makes me uncomfortable and here is when the confusion of these two life styles collide. Its not that problematic but it can confuse me and get me into trouble. To be specific I like to express my opinions but at times I tend to forget that people may be as self-conscious as me. If you look at me when I’m alone and look at me when I’m in public you can tell that fear of judgment does mold how I behave.